The Soft Side of Software

May 19, 2025
Volume 23, issue 2

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Peer Mentoring

My favorite growth hack for engineers and leaders

Kate Matsudaira

A few years ago, I was struggling to put together a capacity plan for a major project. I had spreadsheets, projections, and a rough idea of what I wanted to communicate. But I wasn't sure how to structure the information for a very large team. At the time, I also had been thinking about managing a contractor workforce at scale, something else I'd never dealt with before.

Instead of struggling through it alone, I brought it to a peer-mentoring group I meet with regularly—two other VPs from other companies of a similar scope to mine. These were peers I respected who had tackled similar problems before. From that one meeting, I walked away with an improved plan, a new framework for thinking about contractors, and a few resource recommendations that would have taken me hours (if not days) to find on my own.

This is why I love peer mentoring—it's realtime, highly relevant, and actionable. I have worked with many executive coaches, some of whom have been amazing. However, they're also expensive and often lack context. Over the past few years, I've found that peer mentors can be an even more powerful tool for career growth, leadership development, and skill-building.

Why Peer Mentoring?

As you advance in your career, finding mentors gets harder. The senior leaders you'd love to learn from often are busy, overbooked, or selective about how they spend their time. And, frankly, it can be awkward to ask someone in senior management, "Hey, will you mentor me?"

By the same token, people underestimate how much they can learn from their peers. When you talk to people at the same career stage, they:

• Understand your challenges right now— as opposed to problems from five to 10 years ago.

• Can recommend tools, templates, and strategies they're currently using.

• Offer fresh perspectives without being too far removed from the work.

One big misconception is that mentors need to be senior to you. Many people assume the best advice comes from someone who's already "been there, done that."

The problem is, sometimes those people are too far removed from your current challenges. Suppose you ask senior executives how to deal with a difficult engineering stakeholder. They might tell you what worked for them—but that advice might also be from several promotions ago. But if you learn something from a peer who just navigated the same situation last month? Now that's gold.

It also ties into a growth mindset—the idea that you can (and should) learn from everyone around you. If you get into the habit of asking for insights, swapping ideas, and helping others grow, you naturally build better relationships and accelerate your own learning.

How I Structure My Peer-mentoring Sessions

Another misconception is that peer mentoring should be informal and ad hoc. In reality, the best peer-mentoring relationships come with some level of structure—even if that's in the form of a recurring meeting with clear expectations and a loose agenda.

I'm a fan of structure in all things. My VP peer-mentoring group meets regularly and follows a simple rule: Bring two to three useful things to share.

Those could be:

• A great article or book recommendation.

• A template or tool (like an offsite agenda, new AI tool, or hiring framework).

• An insight from a recent challenge that was solved.

This structure keeps the conversation focused and valuable. It's not just a matter of catching up or venting—it's about equipping each other with actionable strategies.

Other ways to structure your peer-mentoring conversations:

• Hold recurring meetings (monthly, quarterly, or whatever works).

• Start with an agenda (What do we want to get out of this?).

• Balance giving and receiving (Make sure all parties contribute value).

• Have a rotation where members bring a problem for the group to solve.

Peer Mentoring in Tech

Since this article is focused on technologists, I also want to share some ideas about where peer mentoring can prove particularly effective in that realm.

• Navigating tech strategy – Making architecture decisions, evaluating new technologies, or scaling systems are always challenging. Discussing tradeoffs with peers often surfaces insights you hadn't considered.

• Interpersonal and stakeholder management – A huge part of engineering leadership has to do with navigating difficult conversations—whether with execs, cross-functional partners, or direct reports. Peer mentoring is invaluable when it comes to swapping strategies for handling tough situations.

• Career progression – Whether you're an IC (individual contributor) looking to move up the technical ladder or looking more to step into management, peers can help you think through options, pitfalls, and best next steps.

Peers can also help you build stronger relationships with the people you work closely with.

Authenticity and vulnerability make it more valuable

One of the most underrated skills in leadership and relationship building is the ability to be authentic and vulnerable.

Too often, people enter peer-mentoring relationships with an eye to proving themselves rather than focusing on learning and growth. But when you're open about what you're struggling with, two things happen:

• You build deeper relationships – People, after all, appreciate honesty and are more likely to trust and support you when you're willing to share real challenges.

• You get better advice – If you pretend to have everything figured out, people will hold back insights or assume you don't need any help. But if you say, "I'm stuck on this," it invites more meaningful conversations.

For example, when I was preparing for a career transition into a new industry, a peer mentor helped me brainstorm questions to ask during interviews. This wasn't something I would have thought to do otherwise—but because I was open about what I truly did not know, I was given high-impact insights that improved how I evaluated new roles.

Being vulnerable in these conversations also pushes you to grow faster. It forces you to face your blind spots and get feedback you might not want to hear—which ultimately can help you become more successful.

The biggest pitfalls (and how to avoid them)

Like anything else, peer mentoring has some common traps:

• The pity party – It's easy to let meetings turn into complaint sessions. While venting can feel good, it doesn't actually move you forward. Instead, focus on problem solving and actions you can actually take.

• Unequal value exchange – Sometimes, one person benefits more than the other. That's why I like the "bring two to three useful things" rule since it ensures everyone involved contributes.

• Lack of follow-through – If you don't actually implement what you discuss, what's the point? One tip: write down takeaways from your meetings and check in later to see what worked.

How to Start a Peer-Mentoring Relationship

If this all sounds great but you don't know where to start, here's what I recommend:

• Look at your existing network – Who do you already meet with that you respect and learn from?

• Ask for advice – If you're not sure where to start, ask someone for their opinion on a challenge you're facing. This naturally opens the door to deeper conversations.

• Be the first to deliver value – Offer insights, resources, or an introduction before asking for help. Relationships thrive when both parties see value.

• Don't overcomplicate it – A simple "Hey, want to grab 30 minutes every few weeks to swap insights?" is enough to get started.

Stop waiting for a senior mentor to appear. Your peers are some of the most valuable mentors you'll ever find. Start leveraging those relationships, sharing insights, and bringing value to every conversation. Your career will thank you for it.

Kate Matsudaira is VP of technology for SoFi's Money (checking and savings), credit card, Invest, insurance, At Work, and partnerships. Previously she was a VP at Splunk, where she was responsible for the Observability product suite. She has also worked as an executive at Google and helped build several successful startups that were acquired by eBay, O'Reilly Media, and Limelight. She started her career as a software engineer and lead at Microsoft and Amazon. She is a keynote speaker and published author, and has been honored with recognitions such as the NCWIT Symons Innovator Award. She lives in Issaquah, Washington (outside of Seattle), with her husband, Garrett; three boys; and three dogs.

Originally published in Queue vol. 23, no. 2—
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